Bleacher Chums

My wife and I just celebrated our 26th wedding anniversary last Tuesday.   And as far as I know I don’t have any suspicious moles on my back.

As far as I know.

The One About Holey Underwear

As someone over at comics.com commented, Hammy’s underwear should have three holes.

1.  Left leg.

2. Right leg.

3.  Tail.

There is no forth hole as cartoon characters lack external genitalia.  Their waste products are processed internally into cartoon sound effects like WHOMP and SQUEE! and expression squiggles like Surprise Exclamation Points and Sweat Splatter.

Over the Hedge:  Educating the world since 1995.

Death Gym 2000

Today’s cartoon is my modest suggestion for dealing with the child obesity epidemic.

Fairy Truth

No one lives happily ever after.

Then again, no one lives happily before either.

But we all live happily sometimes.

Except for Verne.

The One Where Hammy is Emotionally Scarred for Life

There, there Hammy.  Let’s put a little aloe vera on that emotional boo-boo and you’ll be all better.

Verne is so mean.

Top Five Reasons You Shouldn’t Wear Glass Underwear

Top Five Reasons You Shouldn’t Wear Glass Underwear

5. Always fogging up.

4. Not machine washable.

3. Wedgies often fatal.

2. Thong version can chafe.

1.  Just not sexy.

Zinging in the Rain

My entire contribution to today’s cartoon was, “Raining.  Hammy dodges  raindrops.  Storm ends.  Hammy’s dry.   RJ wet:  “Show off.”  T laboriously (and expertly)  drew the rest.

Decades in development.  Two seconds to write.

“…and the most amazing thing of all is I get paid for doing this.”

Top Five Reasons Tattoos Are a Bad Idea

Top Five Reasons Tattoos Are a Bad Idea

5.  A flaming vampire hamster on your back does not distract from your acne scars.

4.  “Bob Forever” is very difficult to change into “Bogoslav Forever”

3.  That Chinese character on your ankle actually means, “Toenail Merchant”

2.  In 2054 when your butt sags to your knees, those Rolling Stone lips will look like a clown vagina.

1.  They make God sad.

Shangri-oo-la-la!

For Immediate Occupancy:  Spank your inner Lady Gaga with this stunning turreted Tudor and Beach themed hideaway with flaming moat/s’mores grill, worker’s quarters, master of her domain bedroom with spacious walk-in dungeon. Includes miles of hidden passageways for easy escapes and/or coordinated attacks on invading suburbanites.   Builder terms available.  Not a foreclosure.

Yet.

Plot Threads R Us

Some wag over at comics.com said that Discarded Plot Threads box should be a lot bigger.

Actually, the box opens into a secret underground storage facility the size of Manhattan.  An army of of blind, hairless mice catalog tens of thousands of errant, hopeless, dead-end, nonsensical, profane and ridiculously complicated plot threads.   From Vlad Raptor’s Attractiveness Deficit Disorder Seminars to Verne Crashes Obama’s Inauguration In Hopes of Becoming First Pet.   It’s a treasure trove of misguided notions and last-second-on-deadline-non sequiturs.  And an Ant Farm.

Thanks, hairless, blind mice for a job well done.  Now back to work, before I ship the whole operation to Bangalore.*

*I’ve found that hairless, blind mice respond well to veiled threats of outsourcing.