Get Up Offa DAT Thing!

Should be, “Get up offa DAT thing!” Everybody knows you can’t get up offa THAT thing.

THAT thing has a stick up it.

Top 5 Ways to Improve The Walking Dead

5.  Throw Lori to the Walkers.

4.  Have the Walkers throw Lori back.

3.  Add cowboys and aliens.

2.  Two words:  Zombie Glee

1.  Add a polar bear and a mad French woman.

 

 

 

The One Where RJ Keeps His Conscience In the Fridge Next To the Cocktail Onions

Actually this is the second or third comic where RJ keeps his conscience in the fridge next to the cocktail onions.

Cocktail onions are used to make a Gibson.  A Gibson is simply a gin martini with onions instead of olives.

1 1/2 oz gin
3/4 oz vermouth
2 cocktail onions

Please drink responsibly.  For example, I always use a designated drawer when I drink. Always.

His name is T Lewis.

Joey is the Cruelest Month

January is the liquid nitrogen of months.

February is the cruelest month.

March is the the darkest before the dawn month.

April is the nuttiest professor of months.

May is the Glee of months.

June is the triumph of hope over experience month.

July is the sparkly-est month.

August is the molten lead of months.

September is the month before October of months.

October is the gradual depletion of chlorophyll month.

November is the stuffiest month.

December is the guiltiest month.

 

 

Never Let Your Dramatic License Expire

Please, before it’s too late, go down to the DAV (Department of Artistic Vehicles), stand in line, be patient when you get to the head of the line and six out ten clerks go on break and get your Dramatic License renewed.

Remember, operating an artistic vehicle without a license is punishable by a fine and/or not more than three days hard labor watching the last seven Adam Sandler movies on a continuous loop.

That is all.

 

The One With the Star of the Best Country-Western Orangutan Movie Ever Made

It takes a special kind of actor to star opposite an ape. It takes someone who is very secure, realizes they’ll be upstaged and knows if the thing tanks he can always make another Dirty Harry movie.

But it didn’t tank.  Every Which Way But Loose is Eastwood’s 6th highest domestic grossing film ($85 million in 1978).  I vaguely remember it.  But I do remember enjoying it.

Also, it’s one of Hugh Grant’s four favorite films.

So there’s that.

The One Where Clint Eastwood Threatens Verne

See where T drew Clint with a shovel butt?

For T’s sake, I Hope Clint didn’t.

Lucky Punks

The Super Bowl Clint Eastwood Chrysler ad was fascinating for a couple of odd contradictory reasons.  First, Chrysler wouldn’t exist without your and my tax dollars (and Fiat).  And second, Eastwood, a republican, is almost the living personification of  American individualism.

What was Eastwood trying to say?  It sounded to me like the message was if we work together we can do anything.  We can even save a car company that produced the 2002 Dodge Stratus that has a tendency to lose it’s front bumper every time it bottoms out on a steep driveway (full disclosure: my daughter drives one and I’ve reattached that bumper many times).

I happen to think it was probably a good thing that we saved Chrysler (despite the bumper, the Stratus has been pretty reliable).  America is both a land of opportunity and second halves.  And second (third, forth, fifth) chances.  We will come roaring back.

But not without help.

Back in the 70′s, Eastwood played a rogue cop that pointed a Smith & Wesson at a suspect and said, “…ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky? Well, do you punk?”  A couple of years ago he played a misanthrope retired auto worker who overcame his prejudices to help his immigrant Hmong neighbors survive in modern day Detroit.

Clint’s evolved.  And I think so have we.  Do I feel lucky to live in a country that is slowly, grudgingly, ever-so-reluctantly starting to realize we’re not at our best when we’re  just collection of loose cannons firing randomly in the dark?

Yeah, I do.

Wanted: Personal Narrator

Wanted: Personal Narrator for light voicing of a modestly well-known raccoon’s innermost thoughts. Experience preferred. Must speak rodent, reptile and some human.  Cats need not apply.

Lost in Translation

I think, “uncorrected for mammalian bias,” means Verne’s IQ is higher than 147.  You’d think I’d know since I wrote it. But you would be wrong.  I am merely a passive vessel through which the muses speak.   In other words…

It’s all Greek to me.