Stocking Stuffed

I tried to pin up a Family of Man sized Hefty bag one year. I reasoned Santa could not bring me a the Super Deluxe Mr. Science Blow Up Stuff  Yourself Chemistry Set* if he didn’t have anywhere to put it.

Mom argued that there was no in hell Santa or her were going to let me blow myself up so there was no reason to worry about the size of the stocking and to take it down immediately.

Mom and Santa were so mean.

*They don’t sell chemistry sets anymore. I wonder why.

Peace Out

You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout.
I’m telling you why.
Electric Q-Tips will drill straight through and out your other ear if you’re not careful.

You’ve been warned.

A Honking Force For Good

This one made me laugh because, you know, I forget everything I write about ten seconds after I write it.  So, in this case I’m just like you: an connoisseur  of obscure forms of entertainment like Over the Hedge, drunk cat videos and nude bowling.

Okay. Maybe I’m not like you.

Never mind.

Reindeer + Beans = Lift

When, what to my watering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight gassy reindeer.

With a wheezing old driver, reeling and sick,
I knew in a moment to hold my breath right quick.

More rapid than bovines his coursers they tooted.
As I whistled, and shouted at the milk and cookies he booted.

All right, enough of that. Bad cartoonist! Bad!  I should be ashamed of myself.

Holiday Scatology: Nowhere but Over the Hedge

The Jolly Voyeur

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town is a seriously creepy song. It paints Santa as a mullah in the Taliban.

He knows if you’ve been bad or good. So be good for goodness sake.

He’s watching. Always watching. He knows.

Be good.

Or else you won’t get Rock-Em Sock ‘Em Robots that’ll break ten minutes after you open the box.*

*Omaha, Nebraska, Christmas, 1968

Nine Ladies Humpty Dancing

Over the Hedge: Your One Stop Shop For Early 90′s Hip-Hop Song/Dance References Since 1995

Do the Humpty Hump, come on and do the Humpty Hump
Do the Humpty Hump, just watch me do the Humpty Hump
Do ya know what I’m doin’, doin’ the Humpty Hump
Do the Humpty Hump, do the Humpty Hump

Let’s get stoopid!

Squirrels and Squids and Spleens, Oh My

I’m not in a rut. I’m in a groove. A squid and spleen lubricated groove.

But first, coming up next week a slight diversion for some local Hedge fallout from the Twinkapocalypse.

Stay tooned.

Christmas is Cancelled, Long Live Hanukkah

Not sure what’s going on with those purple squiggles. I don’t think T colors the dailies. I think it’s done by someone at the syndicate. Someone with a four year old and a box of Crayolas.

Some day we’ll get a handle on this operation.

Some day.

What Brown Can’t Do For You

UPS may love logistics, but they can’t walk or drive on water.

Although they can seriously rock some brown shorts.

 

Laugh and the Shin-Kickers Win

Just what the world needs… an influx of short, highly skilled workers competing for sparse global toy building jobs. When the elves find their path to prosperity blocked by anti-immigrant fever they’re sure to grow embittered and enraged and will almost certainly lash out in the only way they know how:  shin kicking.

You won’t know where. You won’t know when. Then…just when you least expect it….  WHAM!  You’ll get shin kicked.

You’ll look down, but the shin kicker will be gone, having disappeared into the mist.

Don’t laugh.  Laugh and shin-kickers win. This is a war. A war on shin-kicking. Stay alert. Keep your head on a swivel.

Stay twitchy my friends.