Wanted: Cucumbers Seeking Asylum

Ha. This is a good one.

I LOVE pickles. Pickles are a crucial part of my occasional and variously effective diets.  Pickles have ZERO calories.  Unfortunately pickles contain near infinite sodium.  All that sodium causes you to retain water — water the body needs to maintain homeostasis.  This is how no calorie pickles will cause you to gain more weight than snarfing an entire Costco Family-Of-Man sized tub of Crisco.

Pickles: Sort of of Evil.  But a yummy kind of evil.

Top 5 Ways To Stay Off Secret Santa’s Naughty List

5.  Bribe an elf.

4.  Defect to the North Pole.

3.  Start a Cold War.  Threaten Santa with Mutual Assured Destruction.

2.  Capture Santa.  Trade him for the list and three spies to be named later.

1.  Self-destruct in five seconds.