Laugh and the Shin-Kickers Win

Just what the world needs… an influx of short, highly skilled workers competing for sparse global toy building jobs. When the elves find their path to prosperity blocked by anti-immigrant fever they’re sure to grow embittered and enraged and will almost certainly lash out in the only way they know how:  shin kicking.

You won’t know where. You won’t know when. Then…just when you least expect it….  WHAM!  You’ll get shin kicked.

You’ll look down, but the shin kicker will be gone, having disappeared into the mist.

Don’t laugh.  Laugh and shin-kickers win. This is a war. A war on shin-kicking. Stay alert. Keep your head on a swivel.

Stay twitchy my friends.

Santa Is Swimming to Town

Okay, before everyone goes ballistic on the cartoonist license I took on the term, “global warming,” please be assured that I understand what the term really means.

Global warming really means that the giant turtle that carries the Earth on its back across the universe is now a five pack a day smoker and the second hand heat from his Salem 100′s is warming the planet and causing the weather to go all higgly-piggly — with warmer warms and colder colds and wetter wets and drier drys.

But that doesn’t make for a very interesting storyline about the North Pole melting in the middle of winter now does it?

So, get off my back and get on that turtle’s back and slap on a nicotine patch.

That is all.

Top 5 Reasons Hammy-Ray Vision is a Bad Idea

5.   He’ll see he’s doesn’t have a chewy nougat center

4.  He’ll see that Verne has a bumper pool table in his shell he keeps to himself.

3.  He’ll see that all RJ’s blood has been replaced with a mixture of Crisco and cream filling.

2.  He’ll see reality.

1.  He’ll see reality is wearing a belt and suspenders and still can’t keep its pants up.

 

 

The One That Was Rewritten By Elves

I didn’t write the “You used to my hero” line.  Because it’s sarcastic and Hammy isn’t sarcastic.  It’s also pretty mean and Hammy is never mean.

Elves rewrote me again.  I had Larry on Hammy’s head say, “Desperation is never funny.”  Then Hammy says, “Except in France.”  It’s a little hip for the room, but it’s stronger than, “you used to be my hero.”

I’m open to suggestions about how to deal with the Elves.  Reasonable appeals to consult before publication fall on deaf ears. Yelling and screaming don’t work.  I’d kill them, but I don’t think our state’s “stand your ground” law would apply.

Then again, I live in Texas.

Why Elves Can’t Vote

Would the punchline have been better if RJ held his hand over his head – thus signifying that he, Hammy and Verne can’t vote either?   Or is that a joke too far? Or does it matter?  Or is the real gag in the second panel, which is basically stolen from some unnamed TV writer?

I’ll shut up now.

 

Hammy the Elf Saint

There’s a great Richard Guindon cartoon from years ago that my wife cut out.  It shows a short, dumpy man sitting on the edge of a bed with his feet dangling over the side.  His toes are pointed.  The caption reads:  A truly neat person would sleep with their toes pointed.