1. Making sure there’s a second Twinkie
Another way too long storyline is over. And Verne survived.
It’s a good thing too. Because Zeus is allergic to turtle sacrifices. He breaks out in hives and sneezes a lot causing him to drop thunderbolts all higgly-piggly on innocent mortals and frying them into tiny piles of ash.
To sum up: Twinkies are safe and Verne didn’t die in vain and cause our loved ones to kiss our ash goodbye.*
*Yeah, I went there.
Top 5 Ways To Make a Unicorn Sad:
5. Sing, “I’ve Never Been To Me” — “I’ve slept with kings and seen some things a girl’s not suppose to see.”
4. Hang your wet socks to dry on its horn.
3. Tattoo a death skull on its chest with streaming flames going down each side.
2. Stop supporting breast exams at Planned Parenthood.
1. Tell it it doesn’t exist.
We’ll gloss over why and how RJ has a mobile mass spectrometer so we can bring you a partial accounting of the FDA’s list of permissible contaminants (from Wikipedia);
Canned sweet corn: Insect larvae (corn ear worms or corn borers). 2 or more 3 mm or longer larvae, cast skins, larval or cast skin fragments, the aggregate length of insects or insect parts exceeds 12 mm in 24 pounds
Canned citrus fruit juices : Insects and insect eggs. 5 or more Drosophila and other fly eggs per 250 ml or 1 or more maggots per 250 ml
Canned apricots: Insect filth. Average of 2% or more by count has been damaged or infected by insects.
Chocolate and chocolate liquor: Insect filth. Average is 60 or more insect fragments per 100 grams (when 6 100 g subsamples are examined). Rodent filth. Average is 1 or more rodent hairs per 100 grams in 6 100-gram subsamples examined OR
any 1 subsample contains 3 or more rodent hairs.
Peanut butter: Insect filth. Average of 30 or more insect fragments per 100 grams. Rodent filth. Average of 1 or more rodent hairs per 100 grams. Grit. Gritty taste and water insoluble inorganic residue is more than 25 mg per 100 grams.
Wheat flour: Insect filth. Average of 150 or more insect fragments per 100 grams.Rodent filth. Average of 1 or more rodent hairs per 50 grams
Frozen broccoli: Insects and mites. Average of 60 or more aphids and/or thrips and/or mites per 100 grams.
Ground thyme: Insect filth. Average of 925 or more insect fragments per 10 grams. Mammalian excreta.
Average of 1 mg or more mammalian excreta per pound after processing.
Ground cinnamon. Insect filth. Average of 80 or more insect fragments per 10 gram. Rodent filth. Average of 11 or more rodent hairs per 50 grams.
At the equator the earth spins at 1038 mph. A sudden stop at that speed would send everything down to the bedrock continuing in motion at 1038 mph. The only safe place would be at the North and South poles where the spin speed is always zero. So, in the case of an actual end to Twinkie production we should all move to the poles.
This has been courtesy safety message from the Emergency Twinkie Disruption System. In the event of an actual emergency you most certainly will be airborne. So, there’s not much point in worrying about it.
My logic here is a bit off. If you’re going to base your monetary system on something (which is a bad idea for a lot of reasons) it should be something relatively rare like gold or silver. Twinkies are fairly plentiful – at least right now. Of course, if there were a Twinkie Standard one would assume you’d need to stockpile Twikies in some sort of Twinkie Ft. Knox resulting in at least a short-term shortage. In fact a Twinkie Standard could require the nationalization of any private Strategic Twinkie Reserve such as RJ’s. So, perhaps, it’s not completely off base.
Bottom line? You probably shouldn’t rely on a comic strip featuring talking animals with thumbs for accurate information on monetary policy.