Merry (Squid Free) Christmas!

I’m on my third Bloody Mary so I’m going to refrain from commentary other than to wish everyone in Hedgeland a very Merry Christmas.

Oh, wait. Hammy has something for everyone too…

INCOMING AIR HUG!

Hug, Hug Me Do

A lot of people in New Jersey and New York could probably use a Hammy hug today. Good thing they’re transferable.

Pass it on.

Hug, Hug Me Do

No, “too-planned parenthood” is not some veiled comment on Planned Parenthood.

Unless you want it to be.  In which case, go ahead and ascribe whatever political motives you like.

Those of you who see subliminal subversion where it isn’t know you were going to do that anyway.

Hammy Hugs Self, Lingers

I don’t have anything to add to this.

So I won’t.

Hammy Saves

Hammy is my hero and I shall not want.
He maketh me stop and smell the Twinkies, he leadeth me to pick out squid shapes in the clouds.
Yea, thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of  suburbia,  I will fear no angst, for Hammy art with me, thy thumbs and thy fuzzy milk duds they comfort me.
Hammy preparest a feast of Macaroni and Cheese dust in the presence of mine critics, thou filllest my head with silliness; my smile runneth wide.
Surely a toasty-cozy warm buzz will follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the hug of Hammy for ever.

And ever.

Amen.

Hammy Pays For Attention

Gently used dogeared copy of Huckleberry Finn:  $4.98

Slightly fuzzy Milk Dud:  $.02

Mac-n-Cheese Dust:  Market Prices

Hammy Hug:  Priceless

 

How to Embrace Your Inner Squirrel

Step 1:  Locate your spleen (hint:  it’s not up your sleeve)

Step 2:  Tickle your spleen (preferably with a feather, but a spatula works too).

Step 3:  Giggle until the cow’s come home (usually by 9:30 unless it’s poker night).

Step 4:  Repeat.

RJ Explains What Happened to the Dinosaurs

My own theory for the disappearance of the dinosaurs is chronic lack of affection.  Dinosaurs are reptiles and reptile parents do not hug their children.  Would you?  Of course not.  They’re scaly and moldy and they linger inappropriately.

Over millions of years this lack of basic warmth caused their hearts to grow icy and spiky.   When the mammals showed up with their excellent grasp of self regulating temperature control and cute, HUG-ABLE, furry bodies, the dinosaurs couldn’t take it.  Mammal envy caused their frozen hearts to crack resulting in the first successful species to die off of – wait for it….

…a broken heart.

Top 5 Reasons Hammy Has a Tummy Ache

5.  Bad nut

4.  Bad beet

3.  Expired candy corn

4.  Wasabi Cherrios

1.  Hug withdrawl*

*17 minutes since last hug

Hugopalooza

Have you hugged your inner squirrel today?