Interview With War Dog That Helped Take Down Osama

It came to light today that a dog accompanied the Navy Seals on the raid that killed Osama bin Laden.  After an exhaustive search I have located Puddles the War Dog and he agreed to the following exclusive interview.

Q:  Congratulations.

Puddles:  Thank you.

Q:  How does it feel to help take out the most wanted man in the world?

Puddles:  It feels good.

Q:  Good like a belly rub? Or good like a base of the tail scratch.

Puddles:  Good like I did my job and served my country.

Q:  What was your role in the raid?

Puddles:  I’m a bomb sniffer and I do video recon.

Q:  What do bombs smell like?

Puddles:  Asparagus.

Q:  Walk us through the raid.

Puddles:  We choppered in on three modified stealth Black Hawks, then we were lowered into the compound.  I sniffed the area for explosives.

Q:  Nothing?

Puddles:  No explosives, but there was an overpowering odor of unwashed socks, stale pizza and marijuana.

Q:  Osama a stoner?

Puddles:  I just know what I smell.

Q:  What happened next?

Puddles:  I peed on the side of the mansion.

Q:  Marking your territory?

Puddles:  No. I just had to pee.

Q:  Continue.

Puddles:  We secured the perimeter.   Then I entered the residence to do video recon.

Q:  You entered alone?

Puddles:  That’s my job.

Q:  Unarmed?

Puddles:  I can rip your throat out and bury it before your body hits the deck.

Q:  O-kay.  Then what happened?

Puddles;  I searched the premises and found the target in the upstairs bedroom.

Q:  bin Laden?  What was he doing?

Puddles:   Watching Seinfeld on a wide screen TV.

Q:  Seinfeld?

Puddles:  The Master of My Domain episode.

Q:   Did he see you?

Puddles:  No.  The Meatlover’s Supreme he was inhaling obscured his view.

Q:  Was he alone?

Puddles:   No.  There was a woman reading Atlas Shrugged looking confused and disoriented.

Q:  Did you attack?

Puddles:  No.  My orders were not to engage the target.  I waited for the Seal team.

Q:  It must have seemed like it took forever for the Seals to get there.

Puddles:  Not really.  I was able to take a short nap.

Q:  What happened when the Seals arrived?

Puddles:  The target was taking a hit off a bong when a dozen lasers sites converged on his head.  The woman screamed and dove behind the TV set.   The target slowly turned and exhaled.

Q:  You had orders to shoot on site?

Puddles:  No.  If he surrendered, we would take him alive.

Q:  He didn’t surrender.

Puddles:  He threw bong water at us.

Q:  A clear act of resistance.

Puddles:  Twelve simultaneous kill shots right above the left eye.

Q:  So, that’s why we won’t be seeing any pictures.

Puddles:  The target was  eliminated.   The mission, a success.

Q:  Did you get a treat?

Puddles:   A little liverwurst wrapped in cheese.  But I would have done it for nothing.

Q:  You’re an American hero.

Puddles:  I’m not a hero.  I just do my job.

Q:  To protect our freedoms.

Puddles:  And for treats.

72 Virgins by Steve Martin

by Steve Martin January 29, 2007 in The New Yorker

Virgin No. 1: Yuck.

Virgin No. 2: Ick.

Virgin No. 3: Ew.

Virgin No. 4: Ow.

Virgin No. 5: Do you like cats? I have fourteen!

Virgin No. 6: I’m Becky. I’ll be legal in two years.

Virgin No. 7: Here, I’ll just pull down your zipper. Oh, sorry!

Virgin No. 8: Can we cuddle first?

Virgin No. 9: It was a garlic-and-onion pizza. Why?

Virgin No. 10: . . . so I see Heath, and he goes, “Like, what are you doing here?,” and I go, “I’m hangin’ out,” so he goes, “Like, what?” . . .

Virgin No. 11: First you’re going to have to show me an up-to-date health certificate.

Virgin No. 12: Hurry! My parents are due home!

Virgin No. 13: Do you want the regular or the special?

Virgin No. 14: I’m eighty-four. So what?

Virgin No. 15: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Virgin No. 16: Even I know that’s tiny.

Virgin No. 17: “Do it”? Meaning what?

Virgin No. 18: I’m saving myself for Jesus.

Virgin No. 19: Somewhere on my body I have hidden a buffalo nickel.

Virgin No. 20: Don’t touch my hair!

Virgin No. 21: I hope you’re not going to sleep with me and then go sleep with seventy-one others.

Virgin No. 22: Do you mind if we listen to Mannheim Steamroller?

Virgin No. 23: Are you O.K. with the dog on the bed?

Virgin No. 24: Would you mind saying, “Could I see you in my office, Miss Witherspoon?”?

Virgin No. 25: Ride me! Ride me, Lucky Buck!

Virgin No. 26: You like your vanilla hot?

Virgin No. 27: Does Ookums like Snookums?

Virgin No. 28: It’s so romantic here, dead.

Virgin No. 29: Well, I’m a virgin, but my hand isn’t.

Virgin No. 30: You are in?

Virgin No. 31: Hi, cowboy. I just rode down from Brokeback Mountain.

Virgin No. 32: I’m a virgin because I’m so ugly.

Virgin No. 33: You like-ee?

Virgin No. 34: I’ll betcha you can’t get an erection. Go on, impress me. C’mon, show me. Show me, big shot.

Virgin No. 35: By the way, here in Heaven “virgin” has a slightly different meaning. It means “chatty.”

Virgin No. 36: Sure, I like you, but as a friend.

Virgin No. 37: No kissing. I save that for my boyfriend.

Virgin No. 38: I’m Zania, from the planet Xeron. My vagina is on my foot.

Virgin No. 39: It’s a lesion, and, no, I don’t know what kind.

Virgin No. 40: I’m Jewish. Why do you ask?

Virgin No. 41: Hi, I’m Becky. Oh, whoops—you again.

Virgin No. 42: I just love camping! Camping is so great! Can we go camping sometime?

Virgin No. 43: In the spirit of full disclosure, I’m a single mom.

Virgin No. 44: You like my breasts? They were my graduation gift.

Virgin No. 45: When you’re done, you should really check out how cool this ceiling is.

Virgin No. 46: I’m almost there. Just another couple of hours.

Virgin No. 47: Get your own beer, you nitwit.

Virgin No. 48: No, you’ve got it wrong. We’re in the Paradise Casino.

Virgin No. 49: I really enjoyed that. Thank you very much. Gee, it’s late.

Virgin No. 50: You make me feel like a real woman. And after this is over I’m going to find one.

Virgin No. 51: What do you mean, “move a little”?

Virgin No. 52: Not now, I’m on my BlackBerry.

Virgin No. 53: I love it when you put on your pants and leave.

Virgin No. 54: We’ve been together twenty-four hours now, and, you know, sometimes it’s O.K. to say something mildly humorous.

Virgin No. 55: That was terrible. I should have listened to the other virgins.

Virgin No. 56: I think I found it. Is that it? Oh. Is this it? Oh, this must be it. No?

Virgin No. 57: It must be hot in here, because I know it’s not me.

Virgin No. 58: Those are my testicles.

Virgin No. 59: Did you know that “virgin” is an anagram of Irving?

Virgin No. 60: First “Spamalot,” then sex.

Virgin No. 61: Great! I was hoping for circumcised.

Virgin No. 62: Was that it?

Virgin No. 63: Dang. George Clooney was being reckless on a motorcycle, but instead I got you.

Virgin No. 64: Tonight, I become a woman. But until then you can call me Bob.

Virgin No. 65: They’re called “adult diapers.” Why?

Virgin No. 66: We could do it here for free, or on a stage in Düsseldorf for money.

Virgin No. 67: I’m just Virgin No. 67 to you, right?

Virgin No. 68: Pee-yoo. Are you wearing Aramis?

Virgin No. 69: Condom, please.

Virgin No. 70: My name is Mother Teresa.

Virgin No. 71: I’m not very good at this, but let’s start with the Reverse Lotus Blossom.

Virgin No. 72: It was paradise, until you showed up. ♦