The universe is losing its wallet and keys, probably forgetting what it was going to do ten seconds after it decided to do it and almost certainly has grey ear hair.
The universe is middle aged. Just like me!
My advice to the universe:
1. 50 is not the new 40 and 12 billion is not the new 10 billion. Relax. You’re not old. You’re oldER. One is determinative. The other is comparative.
2. Eat better, get plenty of rest and exercise. AND STOP EATING SO MANY ?$#!!@ TORTILLA CHIPS!
3. You are invisible to women under 30. It’s a fact. There’s nothing you can do about it. Get over it.
4. Learn to play the guitar or the sitar or to tango or cook with mangos. Your flabby neurons will thank you.
5. Stay culturally current, but for God’s sake stop whistling along to Adele in Starbucks. You’re just embarrassing yourself.
6. Live in the present. The past is over. The future hasn’t happened yet. Remember, all sex happens in the present. This does not mean go out and buy a Porsche.
7. Smile. But don’t be a clown about it. You can turn that frown upside down, but you don’t have to stand on your head to do it.
8. No stopping. Keep moving. You’ve smelled enough roses.
9. Run with scissors pointed up. Go swimming right after you eat. Mix tequila jell-o shots with Bailey’s and Yoo-Hoo. You will not die. Probably.
10. Take less shit. It can and will kill you. And if you’re not careful you can become full of it yourself.
11.* You know that little voice in your head that says, “Act your age.”? FUCK THAT LITTLE VOICE!
*It’s one extra.