Stocking Stuffed

I tried to pin up a Family of Man sized Hefty bag one year. I reasoned Santa could not bring me a the Super Deluxe Mr. Science Blow Up Stuff  Yourself Chemistry Set* if he didn’t have anywhere to put it.

Mom argued that there was no in hell Santa or her were going to let me blow myself up so there was no reason to worry about the size of the stocking and to take it down immediately.

Mom and Santa were so mean.

*They don’t sell chemistry sets anymore. I wonder why.

No Magic, No Cry

I don’t know why we didn’t make that a Hammy doll that Santa is holding. Talk about product placement!

On the other hand, all the Hammy plush still available (from movie merchandising) is remaindered or second-hand which means we wouldn’t get any royalties anyway.

Oh, well.

Blutarski Always Gets His Santa

Santa is saved! Christmas is un-cancelled! Blutarski is a hero!

And they all lived happily ever after.*

*Except for Verne who is contractually obligated to miserable.

 

A Honking Force For Good

This one made me laugh because, you know, I forget everything I write about ten seconds after I write it.  So, in this case I’m just like you: an connoisseur  of obscure forms of entertainment like Over the Hedge, drunk cat videos and nude bowling.

Okay. Maybe I’m not like you.

Never mind.

SEAL Team Silly

Honestly, I didn’t use Blutarski because of Animal House. It’s not like I’m clever enough or subtle enough to do some sort of cryptic call back to the late, great John Belushi’s turn as John “Bluto” Blutarski (eventually to become Sen. Blutarski). It’s just a name that sounds funny. Only later did I realize the connection.

There really is such a thing as unintentional plagiarizing.*

*i.e. strategic creative borrowing.

Reindeer + Beans = Lift

When, what to my watering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight gassy reindeer.

With a wheezing old driver, reeling and sick,
I knew in a moment to hold my breath right quick.

More rapid than bovines his coursers they tooted.
As I whistled, and shouted at the milk and cookies he booted.

All right, enough of that. Bad cartoonist! Bad!  I should be ashamed of myself.

Holiday Scatology: Nowhere but Over the Hedge

The One With Seal Team 7

I know. But where did you expect we were going to go with this?

Over the Hedge: Subjecting the Public to Lame Puns Since 1995.

Slowly Sinking Soggy Santa Suffers Stretcher Stoically

Today’s cartoon is what we in the industry call a “stretcher.” It stretches a too-short storyline while failing to advance the plot in any way.  To be effective a stretcher must be cleverly camouflaged by the crafty cartoonist. Under no condition should said cartoonist tip the audience off to the existence of the stretcher. To do so violates the cartoonist/reader privilege and will result in a total ban from karoke night prior to the National Cartoonist Society annual convention.

They’re going to miss my rendition of “Funky Town” when I’m gone.

The Jolly Voyeur

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town is a seriously creepy song. It paints Santa as a mullah in the Taliban.

He knows if you’ve been bad or good. So be good for goodness sake.

He’s watching. Always watching. He knows.

Be good.

Or else you won’t get Rock-Em Sock ‘Em Robots that’ll break ten minutes after you open the box.*

*Omaha, Nebraska, Christmas, 1968

Nine Ladies Humpty Dancing

Over the Hedge: Your One Stop Shop For Early 90′s Hip-Hop Song/Dance References Since 1995

Do the Humpty Hump, come on and do the Humpty Hump
Do the Humpty Hump, just watch me do the Humpty Hump
Do ya know what I’m doin’, doin’ the Humpty Hump
Do the Humpty Hump, do the Humpty Hump

Let’s get stoopid!