It came to light today that a dog accompanied the Navy Seals on the raid that killed Osama bin Laden. After an exhaustive search I have located Puddles the War Dog and he agreed to the following exclusive interview.
Puddles: Thank you.
Q: How does it feel to help take out the most wanted man in the world?
Puddles: It feels good.
Q: Good like a belly rub? Or good like a base of the tail scratch.
Puddles: Good like I did my job and served my country.
Q: What was your role in the raid?
Puddles: I’m a bomb sniffer and I do video recon.
Q: What do bombs smell like?
Q: Walk us through the raid.
Puddles: We choppered in on three modified stealth Black Hawks, then we were lowered into the compound. I sniffed the area for explosives.
Puddles: No explosives, but there was an overpowering odor of unwashed socks, stale pizza and marijuana.
Q: Osama a stoner?
Puddles: I just know what I smell.
Q: What happened next?
Puddles: I peed on the side of the mansion.
Q: Marking your territory?
Puddles: No. I just had to pee.
Puddles: We secured the perimeter. Then I entered the residence to do video recon.
Q: You entered alone?
Puddles: That’s my job.
Puddles: I can rip your throat out and bury it before your body hits the deck.
Q: O-kay. Then what happened?
Puddles; I searched the premises and found the target in the upstairs bedroom.
Q: bin Laden? What was he doing?
Puddles: Watching Seinfeld on a wide screen TV.
Puddles: The Master of My Domain episode.
Q: Did he see you?
Puddles: No. The Meatlover’s Supreme he was inhaling obscured his view.
Q: Was he alone?
Puddles: No. There was a woman reading Atlas Shrugged looking confused and disoriented.
Q: Did you attack?
Puddles: No. My orders were not to engage the target. I waited for the Seal team.
Q: It must have seemed like it took forever for the Seals to get there.
Puddles: Not really. I was able to take a short nap.
Q: What happened when the Seals arrived?
Puddles: The target was taking a hit off a bong when a dozen lasers sites converged on his head. The woman screamed and dove behind the TV set. The target slowly turned and exhaled.
Q: You had orders to shoot on site?
Puddles: No. If he surrendered, we would take him alive.
Q: He didn’t surrender.
Puddles: He threw bong water at us.
Q: A clear act of resistance.
Puddles: Twelve simultaneous kill shots right above the left eye.
Q: So, that’s why we won’t be seeing any pictures.
Puddles: The target was eliminated. The mission, a success.
Q: Did you get a treat?
Puddles: A little liverwurst wrapped in cheese. But I would have done it for nothing.
Q: You’re an American hero.
Puddles: I’m not a hero. I just do my job.
Q: To protect our freedoms.
Puddles: And for treats.