Open SezHammy

Last night I finished this storyline.  I won’t reveal the ending, but I will tease you this:

VERNE SAVES THE UNIVERSE!

I guess that kind of revealed the ending.  But you don’t know how he’ll save the universe.

VERNE SAVES THE UNIVERSE USING HIS SUPER POWERS OF ANNOYANCE!

Okay, so now you know how he’ll save the universe.  But you don’t read Over the Hedge for it’s elaborately well-plotted (by the seat of our pants) story lines.  You read it for the random silliness and near constant (occasional)  hilarity.

VERNE SAVES THE UNIVERSE USING HIS SUPER POWERS OF ANNOYANCE IN RETURN FOR A PERSONAL EXFOLIATOR AND FREE FOOT MASSAGES FOR LIFE!

Okay, NOW I’ve said too much.

Stay tooned.

 

 

Happy Birthday Universe

247.166 years if you count leap years.

 

The One With Verne and the Tardis

According to several commentators, the Tardis actually makes more of a VWROP-VWROP! sound.

We stand corrected.

Oh, and thanks for saving the universe, Verne.

Happy Mayan Last Year

There’s two reasons I’m certain the 2012 Mayan calendar end-o-time thing is bullshit.

Nick Cage has about 30 films coming out in the next two years.  And I have two books coming out in 2013.

And since the entire universe revolves around Nick and me, we’re ALL safe from Mayanageddon.

You’re welcome.

The Once and Furry King

We’ve done this dimmer switch gag a bunch of times.   Global warming, the moon, Verne’s moldy sheen have all been dimmed.

Sometimes when I watch TV, I wish I had one on the back of my head.  Tim Allen’s new sit-com would be so much funnier with a dimmer switch.  Wait a second.  I forgot, I already have one.

It’s called beer.

Sunset 1.0

If the universe is really an elaborate simulation set in motion by a hands-off creator,  then I’m okay with however he, she or it set the original preferences.*

I just wish he she or it had taped a sign over the master panel that says, “Do No Touch.”

*Except for not checking, SAVE HISTORY.

Please Put Some Pants On

Top Five Strange Things People Wear to Read Over the Hedge*

5.  Scuba Suit

4.  Burka

3.  Buckingham Palace Guard Bearskin Hat

2.  Spock Ears

1.  Smile

*Send me a picture wearing at least two of these while reading Over the Hedge and I’ll post it here.  The best one will get a free Hammy T-shirt of their choice.

Snack Long and Prosper

Here are the listed  ingredients in a Twinkie:

Enriched Bleached Wheat Flour [Flour, Reduced Iron, B Vitamins (Niacin, Thiamine Mononitrate (B1), Riboflavin (B2), Folic Acid)], Corn Syrup, Sugar, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Water, Partially Hydrogenated Vegetable and/or Animal Shortening (Soybean, Cottonseed and/or Canola Oil, Beef Fat), Whole Eggs, Dextrose. Contains 2% or Less of: Modified Corn Starch, Glucose, Leavenings (Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Baking Soda, Monocalcium Phosphate), Sweet Dairy Whey, Soy Protein Isolate, Calcium and Sodium Caseinate, Salt, Mono and Diglycerides, Polysorbate 60, Soy Lecithin, Soy Flour, Cornstarch, Cellulose Gum, Sodium Stearoyl Lactylate, Natural and Artificial Flavors, Sorbic Acid (to Retain Freshness), Yellow 5, Red 40.

And here’s what they look like:

If we are what we eat – and you eat enough Twinkies – then by RJ’s logic he’ll live long as a Twinkie.  Which, like the universe, is infinite and everlasting.  A-men.

Or at least RJ’s bloated corpulent corpse will be well preserved as a warning to future generations to eat their vegetables and stay off the crack.

I mean, snack.

The One with Yodeling Pigs

Yodeling pigs are the 23rd sign of the Apocolypse.   Right behind time traveling squirrels and beet flavored gum.

It’s true.  We don’t make this stuff up.

Except when we do.

What the ?@#$!!

The assorted punctuation curse blurb is the cartoonist’s gift from the Gods.  It allows us to use the foulest obscenities on G-rated comics pages while simultaneously leaving it up to the reader to fill in the profane blank themselves.

If you find it offensive you only have yourself to blame.

Shame on you.