I’m giving away ten free copies of The Odd Squad: Bully Bait ARC (advanced review copy). Hurry, it won’t have that new book smell for long.
Category Archives: Stuff I Think is Funny
My Middle Grade illustrated novel, The Odd Squad: Bully Bait, is now available for pre-order on Amazon. Here’s the blurb:
Nick is the shortest seventh-grader in the history of the world (he’s pretty sure), doesn’t fit in with any groups or clubs (who needs ’em?), and spends more time inside than outside his locker (they’re roomier than you’d think).
Things only get worse when a well-intentioned guidance counselor forces Nick to join the school’s lamest club—along with fellow misfits Molly and Karl—in her quest to cure all three of their “peer allergies.” What starts off as a reluctant band of hopeless oddballs morphs into an effective and empowered team ready to face whatever middle school throws at them, including bullies, awkward romance, zany adults, and a brave new world of surprising friendships.
Renowned* cartoonist Michael Fry brings an unforgettable cast of characters to life in an illustrated novel brimming with honesty, humor, and heart.
*I’m pretty sure they meant round cartoonist.
The hardcover novel is 224 pages, with 296 illustrations. It’s for middle grade (ages 8-12), but the humor is pretty universal and I think kids of all ages who enjoy Hedge will enjoy The Odd Squad.
This first book will be available February 12, 2013. With the second in the series coming out Fall 2013.
Yeah, I know it’s early, but to everyone who orders it early and sends me a copy of their receipt, I will email you a signed, hand-drawing of the main characters (Nick, Molly and Karl) as a thank you note. I will. I’ll do it.
To order the book click on the cover image or here.
To forward your receipt email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Behold FFN News #2. Produced by me and the fine folks at Ralph Smyth Entertainment. My role is mainly to stay out their way. Which I do quite well.
I think this episode is a big improvement over #1. The kittens were so much more cooperative this time. We gave in to their demands for private liter boxes and hemp yarn.
If you like it, please share. Far and wide.
But mostly wide.
This is the best advice I’ve ever heard for anyone considering a career in the arts.
Check out my latest distraction from making a living below. Produced by me and the fine folks at Ralph Smythe Entertainment (who did almost all the work while I slowed them down with executive notes like, “A kitten wouldn’t say that.” If you like, please share.
Vodpod videos no longer available.
John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes
For 20 more way cool Calvin & Hobbes Mash Ups go to ForeverGeek.com.
As usual, I forgot we posted the blog address in the strip today to prompt everyone to learn how to make your own balloon animals. I’m sorry to report I couldn’t find anything on making balloon animals, but I did find this fascinating video on how to make a balloon descending coronary artery (i.e. frog).
Enjoy.Vodpod videos no longer available.
Download the FREE Audible version narrated by Samuel L. Jackson here.
The windows are dark in the town child
The whales huddle down in the deep
I’ll read you one very last book if you swear
You’ll go the fuck to sleep.
by Steve Martin January 29, 2007 in The New Yorker
Virgin No. 1: Yuck.
Virgin No. 2: Ick.
Virgin No. 3: Ew.
Virgin No. 4: Ow.
Virgin No. 5: Do you like cats? I have fourteen!
Virgin No. 6: I’m Becky. I’ll be legal in two years.
Virgin No. 7: Here, I’ll just pull down your zipper. Oh, sorry!
Virgin No. 8: Can we cuddle first?
Virgin No. 9: It was a garlic-and-onion pizza. Why?
Virgin No. 10: . . . so I see Heath, and he goes, “Like, what are you doing here?,” and I go, “I’m hangin’ out,” so he goes, “Like, what?” . . .
Virgin No. 11: First you’re going to have to show me an up-to-date health certificate.
Virgin No. 12: Hurry! My parents are due home!
Virgin No. 13: Do you want the regular or the special?
Virgin No. 14: I’m eighty-four. So what?
Virgin No. 15: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Virgin No. 16: Even I know that’s tiny.
Virgin No. 17: “Do it”? Meaning what?
Virgin No. 18: I’m saving myself for Jesus.
Virgin No. 19: Somewhere on my body I have hidden a buffalo nickel.
Virgin No. 20: Don’t touch my hair!
Virgin No. 21: I hope you’re not going to sleep with me and then go sleep with seventy-one others.
Virgin No. 22: Do you mind if we listen to Mannheim Steamroller?
Virgin No. 23: Are you O.K. with the dog on the bed?
Virgin No. 24: Would you mind saying, “Could I see you in my office, Miss Witherspoon?”?
Virgin No. 25: Ride me! Ride me, Lucky Buck!
Virgin No. 26: You like your vanilla hot?
Virgin No. 27: Does Ookums like Snookums?
Virgin No. 28: It’s so romantic here, dead.
Virgin No. 29: Well, I’m a virgin, but my hand isn’t.
Virgin No. 30: You are in?
Virgin No. 31: Hi, cowboy. I just rode down from Brokeback Mountain.
Virgin No. 32: I’m a virgin because I’m so ugly.
Virgin No. 33: You like-ee?
Virgin No. 34: I’ll betcha you can’t get an erection. Go on, impress me. C’mon, show me. Show me, big shot.
Virgin No. 35: By the way, here in Heaven “virgin” has a slightly different meaning. It means “chatty.”
Virgin No. 36: Sure, I like you, but as a friend.
Virgin No. 37: No kissing. I save that for my boyfriend.
Virgin No. 38: I’m Zania, from the planet Xeron. My vagina is on my foot.
Virgin No. 39: It’s a lesion, and, no, I don’t know what kind.
Virgin No. 40: I’m Jewish. Why do you ask?
Virgin No. 41: Hi, I’m Becky. Oh, whoops—you again.
Virgin No. 42: I just love camping! Camping is so great! Can we go camping sometime?
Virgin No. 43: In the spirit of full disclosure, I’m a single mom.
Virgin No. 44: You like my breasts? They were my graduation gift.
Virgin No. 45: When you’re done, you should really check out how cool this ceiling is.
Virgin No. 46: I’m almost there. Just another couple of hours.
Virgin No. 47: Get your own beer, you nitwit.
Virgin No. 48: No, you’ve got it wrong. We’re in the Paradise Casino.
Virgin No. 49: I really enjoyed that. Thank you very much. Gee, it’s late.
Virgin No. 50: You make me feel like a real woman. And after this is over I’m going to find one.
Virgin No. 51: What do you mean, “move a little”?
Virgin No. 52: Not now, I’m on my BlackBerry.
Virgin No. 53: I love it when you put on your pants and leave.
Virgin No. 54: We’ve been together twenty-four hours now, and, you know, sometimes it’s O.K. to say something mildly humorous.
Virgin No. 55: That was terrible. I should have listened to the other virgins.
Virgin No. 56: I think I found it. Is that it? Oh. Is this it? Oh, this must be it. No?
Virgin No. 57: It must be hot in here, because I know it’s not me.
Virgin No. 58: Those are my testicles.
Virgin No. 59: Did you know that “virgin” is an anagram of Irving?
Virgin No. 60: First “Spamalot,” then sex.
Virgin No. 61: Great! I was hoping for circumcised.
Virgin No. 62: Was that it?
Virgin No. 63: Dang. George Clooney was being reckless on a motorcycle, but instead I got you.
Virgin No. 64: Tonight, I become a woman. But until then you can call me Bob.
Virgin No. 65: They’re called “adult diapers.” Why?
Virgin No. 66: We could do it here for free, or on a stage in Düsseldorf for money.
Virgin No. 67: I’m just Virgin No. 67 to you, right?
Virgin No. 68: Pee-yoo. Are you wearing Aramis?
Virgin No. 69: Condom, please.
Virgin No. 70: My name is Mother Teresa.
Virgin No. 71: I’m not very good at this, but let’s start with the Reverse Lotus Blossom.
Virgin No. 72: It was paradise, until you showed up. ♦