1. Making sure there’s a second Twinkie
Another way too long storyline is over. And Verne survived.
It’s a good thing too. Because Zeus is allergic to turtle sacrifices. He breaks out in hives and sneezes a lot causing him to drop thunderbolts all higgly-piggly on innocent mortals and frying them into tiny piles of ash.
To sum up: Twinkies are safe and Verne didn’t die in vain and cause our loved ones to kiss our ash goodbye.*
*Yeah, I went there.
Top 5 Ways To Make a Unicorn Sad:
5. Sing, “I’ve Never Been To Me” — “I’ve slept with kings and seen some things a girl’s not suppose to see.”
4. Hang your wet socks to dry on its horn.
3. Tattoo a death skull on its chest with streaming flames going down each side.
2. Stop supporting breast exams at Planned Parenthood.
1. Tell it it doesn’t exist.
We’ll gloss over why and how RJ has a mobile mass spectrometer so we can bring you a partial accounting of the FDA’s list of permissible contaminants (from Wikipedia);
Canned sweet corn: Insect larvae (corn ear worms or corn borers). 2 or more 3 mm or longer larvae, cast skins, larval or cast skin fragments, the aggregate length of insects or insect parts exceeds 12 mm in 24 pounds
Canned citrus fruit juices : Insects and insect eggs. 5 or more Drosophila and other fly eggs per 250 ml or 1 or more maggots per 250 ml
Canned apricots: Insect filth. Average of 2% or more by count has been damaged or infected by insects.
Chocolate and chocolate liquor: Insect filth. Average is 60 or more insect fragments per 100 grams (when 6 100 g subsamples are examined). Rodent filth. Average is 1 or more rodent hairs per 100 grams in 6 100-gram subsamples examined OR
any 1 subsample contains 3 or more rodent hairs.
Peanut butter: Insect filth. Average of 30 or more insect fragments per 100 grams. Rodent filth. Average of 1 or more rodent hairs per 100 grams. Grit. Gritty taste and water insoluble inorganic residue is more than 25 mg per 100 grams.
Wheat flour: Insect filth. Average of 150 or more insect fragments per 100 grams.Rodent filth. Average of 1 or more rodent hairs per 50 grams
Frozen broccoli: Insects and mites. Average of 60 or more aphids and/or thrips and/or mites per 100 grams.
Ground thyme: Insect filth. Average of 925 or more insect fragments per 10 grams. Mammalian excreta.
Average of 1 mg or more mammalian excreta per pound after processing.
Ground cinnamon. Insect filth. Average of 80 or more insect fragments per 10 gram. Rodent filth. Average of 11 or more rodent hairs per 50 grams.