Tag Archives: Vampires

Top 5 Uses For a Squid Spleen

5.  Good Source of Vitamin A in case you have Night Blindness or have a real hard time swallowing pills.

4.  Cat nip for Vampires.

3.  In many cultures the gift of a dried squid spleen is considered a proposal of plural marriage.

2.  When Popeye would run out of spinach, he’d substitute with squid spleens.  If he couldn’t find any HGH.

1.  Since squid spleens don’t really exist, their only real use is as a mildly amusing alliterative gag in modestly successful comic strips featuring an OCD turtle.


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Miracles and Curses and Oboes, Oh My!

That may be a clarinet RJ’s playing, but I’ve decided it’s an oboe.  Oboe’s just a funnier instrument.  Fun to say and fun to play.  And hard to play. Really, really hard to play.

Double reeds and all that.

And now more oboe jokes than you ever thought existed…
What is the definition of a minor second?
Two oboes playing in unison.

What is the definition of a half step?
Two oboes playing in unison.

How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
Take the batteries out of his electric tuner.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the oboe recital.

What’s the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A bad oboist can kill you.

How many oboe players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one but he’ll go through 30 to 40 bulbs to find the best one.

What do you call perfect pitch in an oboe?
In the dumpster without hitting the side.

There was a band directer who had a gun with two bullets there was a bad oboe player, trumpet player, and bassoon player. who did he shoot?
The oboe player- twice, just to make sure.

What’s the difference between an oboe and an onion?
You don’t cry when you’re cutting up the oboe ….


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Growing Moldy, But Not Up

Over the Hedge

I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.   The list is a bit shorter now than when I was a kid.   I can’t be an astronaut or a fireman.  I can’t be a wide receiver for the Green Bay Packers.   I can’t run for President of the United States (my skeleton’s have skeletons in the closet).

But there’s a lot of cool stuff I can do.  I can write a great screenplay.  I can direct a film.  I can climb a mountain.  I can learn to tango.  I can master the rhythm guitar riff for “Takin’ Care of Business.”  I can laugh.  I can cry.  I can stand up and applaud.

The question should really be, “What do you want to be WHILE you’re growing up?”  It should be about the journey because who really wants to ever become Grown Up.

Grown Ups are dull, boring and use words like “can’t,” “don’t,” “never” and “jurisprudence.”  Grown Ups frown a lot and smell like old socks.  Grown Ups have a stick up their butt that pinches their heart and keeps blood from flowing to silly center of their brains (right behind the wacky center).  Grown Ups have lost the ability to wink.  No Grown Up has ever mastered the art of wiggling their ears.  Grown Ups cannot hear the sound of a kazoo.  Grown Ups never skip – to their lou, or otherwise.

Grown Ups are The Nagging Dead.  They’re like zombies, except they eat smiles instead of brains.   They’re like vampires, except they drain you of fun instead of blood.

There is only one thing you DON’T want to be when you grow up.





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It Ain’t Easy Being Green*

Over the Hedge

*When you’re a blood-sucking parasite.

This naturally brings up the whole vampire/human resource sustainability conundrum.  If you’re a vampire do you completely drain your blood meal or do you instead snack and save for later?   On the one hand, draining your prey (and thus killing it) seems prudent if you don’t know where your next meal is coming from (and it feels REALLY good).   On the other hand, sipping and storing just creates new vampires who will eventually compete with you for ever scarcer resources.

I’m going to come down on the side of drain and drop.  Either way you’re down one human food source, so why create another set of fangs to feed on an ever dwindling supply of B positive?

This, of course, assumes a static supply of humans relative to the growth of vampires.  If vampires somehow bred humans then all bets are off.   Or better yet, if Vampires just bio-engineered a steady blood supply, then they wouldn’t need humans at all.

Of course then they wouldn’t be vampires anymore.  They’d be blood drinkers, drinking Bloodweiser: The King of Bloods – This Blood’s For You.  And they’d have blood guts.  And they’d be snoring in the recliner when you drive a wooden stake through their cold dead hearts.   And this long national nightmare vampire media fixation would be over.





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Zombie Eggplant

Over the Hedge

According to the Lazy Cartoonist’s Guide to Comedy, placing the word zombie in front of almost any other word makes for comedy combustion.  This is true up to a point.   Some words are simply zombie resistant.  Like say, vampire.  A Zombie Vampire is an impossibility.  You’re either dead.  Or you’re undead.  You can’t be undead squared.  You can’t get undeader than undead.   The undeadest you can be is undead.   Unless you’re alive.  In which case you’re neither a zombie or a vampire and can relax and go on about your business.   Until you’re dead.  At which point you should cease going on about your business immediately.

We appreciate your full cooperation in these matters.

That is all.



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A Tail of Two Hammy’s

Over the Hedge

I have no idea what the title of today’s blog means, but it sounds cool.

Meanwhile, there’s a cool new zombie series starting on Halloween on AME called, “The Walking Dead.”  I predict this will be the next big paranormal thing after “True Blood.”   We’re working our way down the ghoul depth chart.   Which goes something like this:

1.  Vampires
2. Werewolves
3.  Witches
4.  Shape Shifters
5.  Mummies (Royal Zombies)
6.  Zombies
7.  Craig Ferguson’s Robot Skeleton Army
8.  Toys inhabited by demons
9.  Joan Rivers.
10.  The Dark.

Eventually we’ll end up with an entire series consisting of Joan Rivers sitting in the dark.  And that may be the most successful show of all.


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Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Yes, this is a real book.   And how can you not want to read this?

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