He Can’t Be Blamed

You know, the real hero of Hedge is Verne. RJ is a jerk.  A charismatic jerk. But still, a jerk. Hammy is Hammy.

Verne does the real dirty work of making you feel bad for laughing at him.

 

Freedom Corn

On the 4th of July we celebrate the freedom to stuff ourselves into oblivion .

‘Merica!

RJ: Border Hedge Patrol Agent

I’ll bet we’ve used the “sacrifices must be made” punchline three dozen times. Always with RJ. Always never sacrificing one bit.

Classic.

Wanted: Cucumbers Seeking Asylum

Ha. This is a good one.

I LOVE pickles. Pickles are a crucial part of my occasional and variously effective diets.  Pickles have ZERO calories.  Unfortunately pickles contain near infinite sodium.  All that sodium causes you to retain water — water the body needs to maintain homeostasis.  This is how no calorie pickles will cause you to gain more weight than snarfing an entire Costco Family-Of-Man sized tub of Crisco.

Pickles: Sort of of Evil.  But a yummy kind of evil.

Snack Long and Prosper

Here are the listed  ingredients in a Twinkie:

Enriched Bleached Wheat Flour [Flour, Reduced Iron, B Vitamins (Niacin, Thiamine Mononitrate (B1), Riboflavin (B2), Folic Acid)], Corn Syrup, Sugar, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Water, Partially Hydrogenated Vegetable and/or Animal Shortening (Soybean, Cottonseed and/or Canola Oil, Beef Fat), Whole Eggs, Dextrose. Contains 2% or Less of: Modified Corn Starch, Glucose, Leavenings (Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Baking Soda, Monocalcium Phosphate), Sweet Dairy Whey, Soy Protein Isolate, Calcium and Sodium Caseinate, Salt, Mono and Diglycerides, Polysorbate 60, Soy Lecithin, Soy Flour, Cornstarch, Cellulose Gum, Sodium Stearoyl Lactylate, Natural and Artificial Flavors, Sorbic Acid (to Retain Freshness), Yellow 5, Red 40.

And here’s what they look like:

If we are what we eat – and you eat enough Twinkies – then by RJ’s logic he’ll live long as a Twinkie.  Which, like the universe, is infinite and everlasting.  A-men.

Or at least RJ’s bloated corpulent corpse will be well preserved as a warning to future generations to eat their vegetables and stay off the crack.

I mean, snack.